Here's Something New.....

Here's something new.....last Monday after we were done counting money, Joe of Becky and Joe Schmidt at St. Agnes informed me of mandatory background checks coming this Fall for anyone affiliated with the Catholic Church beyond just going to Mass.....ick.  This means that realistically I can no longer volunteer and furthermore, I run the risk of being rejected/treated like a leper/17th Class citizen for incidents that are now over 30 years old.  (It's amazing to me, but next February 1st?  WILL BE 30 YEARS SINCE I WAS RELEASED FROM PROBATION,  can you believe it?)

Honestly, I had a feeling that something like this might one day be coming as I've heard prior to last Monday of issues with people not being able to volunteer - including at churches - due to background checks.  It's just now that I have come to like going to Mass and I do believe that there is a power greater than myself out there - God, if you will - and now I may find myself shunned and excluded and that's really depressing, especially since I'm middle aged now and since so much time has passed since I had these issues.

I will send Becky a text sometime before Mass tomorrow morning and just say that some thing's come up and I can't make it and then I will talk to Father Glenn on Tuesday, who will likely treat my kindly to my face and let's see how I'm treated after that.  I noticed today that Joe R. sat quite a bit away from my Mom and I and my take is that I may get the cold shoulder from those who were formerly warm to me.  At least Harry and Karen behind us in church are safe - they are not involved and don't seem to be very social with many people in the church so they are likely safe going forward.  Social approval really does not matter to me that much but like anyone else, I'm not thrilled to be rejected.  But if I am rejected for something that happened 30 years ago, am I in the right place to even begin with?  Think about it.

I've been down since this happened.  I went to Mass on Friday morning hoping to talk to Father Glenn but it was Father Brad presiding over Mass so I just went to Mass and then went home.  I'll wait until Tuesday.  Tomorrow I'm slated to go to Best Buy with Mom and then to Navy Federal Credit Union, where I will take out my secret shopping money to buy her goodies in Mexico on our upcoming trip on down to Mexico.  And maybe then lunch at Panera and then to work on the house for a bit.  The next few days after that I really do need to be working on the house so that I can have parts of it done before we actually do go to Mexico.

It will be interesting to see how this pans out.  But I won't give up on God - just on people.  I remember something that clerk at Arco said to me - Jesse - this past Friday when we were talking of how he and Alex worked together for over ten years and then Alex just deleted his number like that - (something I find very depressing truth be told) - he said that going forward he's learned to trust God but not to trust people and I believe this is truly dead on, I really do.  People for me over the course of my lifetime have been very problematic and now that society treats me like a leper over things that happened over 30 years ago, how thrilled should I realistically be to be part of such a society, anyway?  Seriously.  I've spent all this time looking for and hoping for loopholes when maybe the answer all along was to minimize my contact with society to begin with.  And it's true that in my life position, little of society applies to me, anyway.  Society won't let me work, so a career is off the table. No one would want to date me, I am undateable for better or worse, so relationships are off the table, too.  I never learned how to drive and at this point I don't even care to.  I just don't need to responsibility and stress and bills that a car would bring to my life - so even a car is off the table.  Much of what society espouses is off the table for me - though I am starting to wonder if maybe I am lucky in a way for this.  I will never divorce nor will I ever have kids - so I can't get screwed over in Family Court nor hurt by a child blowing me off like I wish I had not done so brutally to my own Father - though he indeed did have numerous issues and I will pay until my grave for his lack of teaching me what I needed to know to function as a male in this society.

Sex seems to be off the table too as every time I've ever tried it's been a fiasco - at least I won't get HIV then or any other STD....a silver lining in that dark cloud.  I can remember back in May of 2009, sitting in that hotel bed in that hotel in Williams, Arizona, completely emotionally numb as I was unable to connect with Johnny Begay who I believe then blocked my number when I tried to reach him later.  I was completely and totally numb and felt nothing as I am usually numb in life these days.  I've just put up with too much BS, too much judgment, too much insanity, too much rejection.  I've been screwed over and hurt too much and I can't help it that now my wish is to be more reclusive and to have less overall to do with society.  For me, society is kind of like that cunt Mrs. Archambauldt (sp?) in 8th grade at Madison Number #1 years ago - "Don't you have any friends that are boys?" or something like that, with the insinuation of sexual orientation hanging in the air, very thick and cloying though it was not directly said.  Today I'd record and report her ass and download her to social media - that did not exist back then.  But society to me is often painful just like that.

All I really have to offer is my story and I think if I am rejected from church I will take this as a sign to go forward online with my story.....maybe I can help a person or two out there from making the same mistakes that I have, or maybe I can provide some guidance and at least online moral support for someone out there in a similar situation.  It's worth a try, and realistically, at this point, what do I have to lose?  It's amazing to me that twenty years ago - remember? - I was limping from shitty job to shitty job and making due at that tiny studio at the Warren House.  That year sucked - 1999 - I was going to take Phoenix Food and Beverage by storm and it didn't work out quite that way, did it?  All I can say is that I was extremely grateful to get out of the Warren House the following April, even though the place I went to - Bullfrog, Utah, was another Warren House of the soul.  Let's see.....twenty years ago.  By this time I had quit UHAUL (a job that would not have worked for me anyway, I just don't do office work well, period) and also I had been (mercifully) fired from that shitty job at Red Devil.  I think right now I was still at that nightmarish JB's but was about to flee to Old Spaghetti Factory, a place I sure did not last long at.  And then I got hired at another awful job, night auditor at the then Hilton Garden Inn on Central and McDowell, now an Embassy Suites.  It was a horrible year for me, personally, though I'm told that the economy overall was doing well that year.  It sure was not for me!  I remember that 9/11 had not happened yet and I went to the airport once to apply for serving work and never heard back - remember that cunt who interviewed me said, Booze and tips when I wrote on my application I wanted Base and tips?  I wish I'd never applied there and I wish I'd never wasted my time there.  And the Warren House?  I was so glad to get out of there - I remember how that one cunt made fun of me for being gay?  Today I'd report her and try to get her evicted based on that - but back then I didn't have the courage to do so nor had society changed as much as it has since then to allow me the right to make some phone calls and address such issues.  I was glad when she was evicted, that's for sure.

I can remember one day going outside my studio and seeing a syringe on the ground and it was like being in a Pedro Almodovar movie - just too bizarre.  And the circus of managers they had coming and going non-stop?  I do not miss that place one iota, no I sure do not.  I'm guessing today I could not get in, though.  Warren House has gone through changes - most of the Phoenix properties have been sold off and the few that still are owned by Warren House have tidied up, raised their rents, and likely are doing tenant background checks now.  Remember the drugs that were being sold back in the day?  I'm so glad I got out of that place!!! Now that tiny unit I had is over $500 a month and the place is called North on 24th and it even has it's own website.  My mother's position no longer exists and now they contract out to Merry Maids for their cleaning.  Good thing Mom left when she did - the timing was literally impeccable, just like our timing of leaving Salzburg in 2015 was impeccable.

Something I can remember from 1999.  I remember how miserable I was at JB's - and now that JB's has been bulldozed and is now a McDonald's with the upscaling of that strip mall - a place that holds a little part of my past history as when I was 17, my first retail job was at the Athletic Shoe Factory towards the end of that strip mall.  Can you believe I actually worked there for $3.35/hr. and now minimum wage in Arizona is $11 an hour and is headed to $12 an hour this January 1st?  This just does not seem possible but regardless it's true.  I remember looking out the windows at that place and wishing for something better to enter my life.  I remember that one customer who was rude to me as there was some small black thing in his glass and when I re poured his water, it was still there.  I remember that one cunt talking about my being gay like she had some kind of right to -  ugggggggggh.  I didn't know then what I know about women today but that was just not cool.  I remember having to walk over there on Sundays in the heat and what a nightmare that was and I remember having to walk home in the heat and what a nightmare that was.  I remember walking along the treed part of Pinchot Avenue to get home and telling myself that next year I'd be working on Mackinaw Island in Michigan where there are real trees and lots of them.  I never did make it to Mackinaw Island and now background checks plus the possibility of panic attacks stop me from even applying.  That and the likelihood that they use applicant tracking software anyway which would auto screen me out due to the length of time that I have not worked.

It's coming up on six and a half years since I last waited a table and I don't miss it one bit.  That day in Dutch John, Utah with my first panic attack and that officer telling me I'd almost been tasered and arrested even though I'd done nothing illegal or wrong?  Very fucking scary.  That right there turned me off ever working in a similar place again out in the middle of nowhere.  I'm now kind of glad that I had another panic attack the following day - all I had to do was to go to the cafe and order something and BOOM, it set in on me.  I'm glad I got out of there.  That situation would not have gone well for me and I'm glad I got out with minimal damage.  Interesting that as I returned, I found Mom to have inherited John Kuo's 1/3 of his stocks and to be worth a million dollars, out of nowhere.  Just amazing.  I can still remember sitting and waiting at the Salt Lake City Airport for my flight back to Phoenix and how it was nice and cool in Salt Lake City and in the 90's in Phoenix.  And I went to Food City that afternoon and the look on Jessica's face when she saw me.....it is just like yesterday even though quite a bit of time has passed since then.

Just took a break from blogging and went to Mystery Shop Forum and there I found an entry in regards to KSS Mystery Shop Scheduling.....it seems as if I can kiss the Navy Federal Credit Union shops goodbye as Ryan apparently is no longer there.  How fast things change these days!  I just did a shop for him September 28th and I responded to his email regarding the Navy Federal Credit Union phone shop on the way to Yuma on the shuttle on down.  I had been in the back of my mind counting on that NFCU shop money but it seems to be a done deal at this point and also, so does mystery shopping, essentially.  I am no longer welcome to shop at some MSC's. and not only that, there are way fewer shops available these days and many clients have given up on their mystery shopping programs.  It's depressing as it never paid all that well but it did give me something to do and I was able to get around town and keep a bit occupied and at least make a little cash.  I particularly miss bank and credit union shops and I also miss cell phone shops as they tended to be so easy.  And some of the food shops were great, too, such as Cafe Zupas, another shop I really miss.  And with Ryan gone I likely will not be getting other KSS shops, and I just went to the KSS board to look and there were no NFCU shops listed.  That shopping program may be a done deal at this point, and though I am sorry to see it go, I am also glad that I managed to snag NFCU membership out of the deal.  That was one cool perk that I truly appreciate.  So, like so many other things, it seems like mystery shopping is dying off and becoming less and less relevant to me these days.  At least I have that $18 coming in from my last mystery shops over the phone with NFCU and that $20 mystery shop I scored a 10/10 with at Perry Ellis at Arizona Mills Mall.  So there's $38 coming in, better than nothing when society won't let me work. 

I can remember when I returned from Utah back in 2013.....I was so desperate for something to do that I went all the way over to Tangent Center over on 95th Avenue and Glendale for a shop of a Sunglass Hut for a mere $10.....I just needed to have something to do and it was better than nothing.  Today I lack the energy I had even then and would not go that far for a mere $10.  One of my more interesting shops over the years?  I remember doing an audit of a Medicare presentation in the back room area of the Coco's I worked at 2001 to 2002 - now that was trippy.  The staff had 100 percent changed and no one knew of my past there and I certainly did not say anything in regards to such.  Those shops paid really well, too, and I do miss them.  And last October?  That shop I did of Chase Bank at the Grand Canyon for $125.....now that was funky to go back to Flagstaff and then to the Canyon after all those years.  I am glad I did, too, as I had the chance to see Janet Hadley before she was fired for something ultra stupid.  How strange it was to be in Flagstaff.....the place was once God to me and now it has absolutely no relevance in my life whatsoever.  Neither does the Grand Canyon, as I don't have rehire status at the South Rim and I don't believe I could get rehired on the North Side and given how cliquish it is, I don't believe I'd want to work there again, anyhow.  It's too far away from medical help should anything go wrong on top of everything else. 

I think things with the government changed around 2012 - the year after my last National Park gig.  In 2012, to get a Federal Work Study job on a college campus, you had to be background checked - this was the start of this.  And I believe such spread to the National Parks around that time, too.  I remember running into Bill Behrens from the North Rim who told me that in 2014 background checks were done on all the long termers at the North Rim and he had something on his but that Mike Kidd stood up for him - I seriously doubt that I would have been stood up for and would have been driven down the mountain in humiliation.  I'm so glad I did not have to endure this - this is something else in my life that may not have worked out well per se, but it did work out as well as it could have realistically under the circumstances.  It's interesting too as we are coming up on October 17th - the anniversary every year of my Father's death and also the date in 2011 that I last set foot at the North Rim.  I remember walking to and from the lodge and the old dorms through the woods that day more than once and trying my best to remember it - it's like in some way I knew instinctively that I was not coming back.  And sure enough I did get screwed over and was not wished to return the following season and at this point, I have no desire to return period.  I would not want to room with a stranger and I don't want to be that isolated again after my experience in Dutch John, Utah, May of 2013.  That was such a nutty season, too, with such shitty management.  And something else?  Get on Sharon Wilson's bad side and you are doomed there - not something that appeals to me now, now that I know more of female nature. 

I can no longer realistically see myself working in a national park.  More later, Rob

Here I Am Again At The Public Library.....

Here I Am Again At The Public Library.....it is Sunday, and I did go to Mass with Mom but I did not go to the Lambda Meeting.....will go next Sunday so that I can be on a good footing with Nita, who I believe is well meaning but boy, do I miss Catherine and how she just let me coast.  Nita is not going to do that I don't think.....Catherine was great as she did the rock bottom minimum and that very much worked for me.  I have to say that I really wish that these pills could just be prescribed by primary care doctors as they used to be in the old days but those days are gone now it seems.  Talk about annoying!!! But I do what it is that I have to do, what else can I say?

I had a hard time returning from Yuma and really did not want to but it seems as if we are going down again on November 1st and I am very much looking forward to this.  It will be good to get out of town and I also look forward to visiting the Territorial Prison Park in Yuma.....that does sound interesting and apparently we will indeed have the time.  And at least I have something to look forward to now and I do appreciate this, yes indeed I do.

This morning Baldo drove by me, no wave, no stop, no horn, no nothing.  Today is September 29th.....according to Fermin, Baldo is leaving at the end of this month, which would be tomorrow.  I will be happy to see him and Matilda way way way over on the West Side, far away from the neighborhood and out of the stream of consciousness so that they forget us with due time.  It's sad how things worked out but he became too overbearing and gave himself rights he did not have.  I don't appreciate his taking our peaches without asking and then lying about it, and I don't appreciate the day he came over, freaking out about being bumped from the project, telling lies to my Mother in regards to what he was saying to Abraham's crew.  I also don't care for how he insisted on knowing who sent the crew over - we signed nothing and gave him no exclusive as to renovating our property.  He really went too far.  I also don't care for how he treated me by knocking on my door and judging me for my room and for the condition of the house, and I really resent how he treated me and got into the middle of my Mother and I's business.  He just went too far and what really pushed me over the edge was the day he lied about bonding with his daughter and then I caught him working on a house down the street with Matilda and one of the kids.  He just went too far and is too much of an opportunist and a bit of a user, as is Matilda - witness Mom giving her $200 and not receiving a penny of this money back.  It is for the best that they are moving on, and from what I understand, Alfonso's married son will be moving into the newly vacant apartment - GREAT!  He is someone that we have no issues with nor are we likely to have issues with.  And tomorrow is the last day of September so if what Fermin is saying is true, Baldo and Matilda will very soon be gone and way way way out on the far West Side.  Loving it!!! At least something worked out in my train wreck of a life.

Today I went to PAB and bought two DVD's - it is amazing to me how cheap porno dvd's have become these days - thank the Internet for that.  I was being rung up by the owner I believe and I pointed to the cover of one of the DVD's showing the deceased Eric Rhodes, dead of steroid abuse it seems like at a very young age.  What the owner said depressed me.  He'd be willing to go through 8 years of hell to be pretty like one of the models on the Kristen Bjorn DVD I also bought.  I find this so shallow and depressing and it just serves to show me that the gay world is yet another place that I am not going to fit into.  Like I didn't already know that, true, but here it was up close and personal right in my face.  At least knowing what I know about myself and the world and my place in the world today, I don't feel the slightest bit bad about this today.  And that is progress right there, the acceptance that essentially I am my own person and trudge my own damned road.

Just looked at the weather and it seems that Summer is over.....though it's not exactly pleasant yet, no more day in the triple digits and nights in the 80's - instead we are looking at a couple of days in the 80's and nights in the 60's - THANK GOD!  This year's monsoon was truly pathetic and I can say that I am not shedding any tears to see Summer in my rear view mirror.  Not at all.

I really did like the EconoLodge in Yuma, I really did.  Though the room did have some issues, it is cheap and essentially clean with a full size fridge and a microwave and comfortable beds.  And it's nice too that being 86'ed from the Torch Lite Lodge is essentially no big deal at all as similar lodging both in price and class abounds in the general area.  There was a Knight's Inn nearby along with a place called the Hacienda Motel across the street and a place called the El Rancho Motel down the street before the corner of 24th/4th.  So - no great loss.  And something else interesting.....it funky to walk around that general area seeing their sign and feeling absolutely nothing.  I only wish I'd known of these alternatives sooner is all I can say.  And our last morning in Yuma?  I wanted to eat at an actual restaurant and none were open other than that greasy spoon Mom and I ate at back in 2013 or so called Bubba's - right next door to the Torch Lite Lodge. So we ate there.  This was no childish middle finger salute but a visit to the only nearby open restaurant, which was non-problematic and for this I am grateful.  And it's no big deal about being persona non grata at the Hacienda Algodones - other options exist in Algodones, too.  Next time around I shall try my luck at the Hotel Central and see how that works for me.  At least their check out time is 12PM which gives me time to get up in the morning and to get some shopping done before I leave town, which is a good thing I believe.   I just checked some reviews online for the Hotel Central and it seems like it will be a pleasant place to stay for just one night.  And perhaps later on I can stay there for longer and just veg.....that would be nice, it very much would be, yes indeed.

I think what would be wise now would be to make a push to get as much done with the house as I can before we take off for Yuma again.  That would make Mom happy and it would mean upon my return less to deal with.  And something else?  It looks as if we are going to be losing Fermin as a tenant soon - he needs a bigger space with his girlfriend and their baby, coming in January I believe.  This is good in a way as it means that I can use the back unit for storage once more and can get rid of a bunch of stuff and not have to deal with Mom's attitude about my thing which always drives me fucking nuts.  Truly it always does.  Very much so.

Tomorrow I have Monday morning Mass and then money counting, which will probably take longer tomorrow as there was a second collection and there were more people in church today, probably due to the nicer weather.  After Mass I will be heading on over to the Comprehensive Health Care Center to find out the results of my ultrasound as I seem to keep playing phone tag with the nurse and if there needs to be a procedure, I'd really like to know what needs to be done and exactly how serious it is.  So that's up tomorrow and with any luck it will be an outpatient type of surgery.  I sure am not thrilled about the idea of checking into the hospital again, that's for sure.  Speaking of which, I believe that while I was in Yuma, I saw the Yuma Regional Medical Center in the distance.   Creepy.  I still remember passing through that place and I still have the Tijuana T Shirt that they gave me as my shirt I was wearing that day apparently was somehow destroyed.  I am so glad I made it through that experience in one piece and that the worst that could have happened did not take place!  Scary stuff.

Here's something nice - I took in my recycling yesterday down the street to that blue house where they do recycling.  They are still open and it is still eighty cents a pound for aluminum and thirty cents a pound for plastic - who knows where the plastic is going after China pulled it's fit in 2018 but that's not really my problem, is it?  It's nice that I can still get rid of it and get some money for it is all I can say.  Who knows with recycling being as it is these days how long such will continue?  I would not be surprised to see what they pay for plastic to go down or for plastic to be discontinued period.  Such would not surprise me one iota.  I am also looking forward to getting rid of more recyclables at hone and making what little money I can for them.

At any rate, here I am back in the Valley for another month, let me get done whatever it is that I can get done before we take off for Yuma.  And it will be interesting this month to see if Fermin indeed pays rent or if he has any information for us as to whether this is his last month or not.  I see a woman with a nice newer looking SUV parked in our driveway and if this is his girlfriend, his days behind our house are indeed numbered.  After he takes off, I don't think we will rent the place out anymore.  I can use it for storage and to get things out of the house to shut Mom up and to get her off my ass.  It would also be a great place to store items for yard sales, out of sight and out of Mom's mind.  So we shall see. 

PS Came back to add that it will be interesting to see if Navy Federal Credit Union deposits my money from TD Ameritrade this week into my new Traditional IRA with them.  This money has increased with the stock market gains of late and I'm seriously happy with my gains and ready to stash this money somewhere safe like Navy Federal Credit Union.  This money to me is such a relic of a time gone by - a time in which background checks did not dodge my every step and I could still find a job with benefits such as a 401(K) plan into which I could defer money.  Good luck finding that these days!  Not going to happen from what I can see.  Rob

$632.68.....

$632.68.....I just called TD Ameritrade a little bit ago and this amount seems to be what my holdings sold at, which is the amount of the check what will be sent to Navy Federal Credit Union.  What's really cool here is that I was told that there may be a $75 sales fee but for whatever reason this was not applied in this case.  Cool!  That would be truly sucked as it would have been money going to TD Ameritrade's corporate profit and not to my pocket, which is where I believe in this instance the money truly belongs.  So that's one nice thing and I am grateful for that, Thank You, TD Ameritrade! 

This money dates back to my time at Scottsdale Healthcare years ago - remember the (almost but not quite) six months I worked for them back in 2005?  Gotta say I was glad to get out of there and flee to California Pizza Kitchen.  I really did not like working there and I was glad to get out, benefits be damned.  This money to me should be archived and put into a museum behind glass as it's the last money I will probably ever have in an employee retirement account vehicle.  I am so unemployable these days and even if I could find work, it would be Part Time without benefits and no retirement vehicle plan.  This money in it's own way is similar to that transistor radio from that yard sale in St. George I went to with Sharon back in 2010 - it's a relic of a different reality and a different era.  I'm glad it's gained over the stock market run up of the last several years but it's time to move it somewhere safe like this Navy Federal Credit Union IRA where it won't gain very much at all but will also not lose anything.  I'm happy with the gains I have realized.....time for safety. 

Glad to have this done and also I am glad to be a member of Navy Federal Credit Union.  That is one perk I am very grateful for from my years of mystery shopping.  One perk that I can actually value and use.  Rob

Back From Yuma/Algodones.....

Back from Yuma/Algodones.....It was not a bad trip.  It was indeed nice to get ouf of the Valley as I am realizing more and more and more that large cities just don't work well for me, never have and probably never will.  But here I am in the fifth most populous city in America regardless.....ugggggghhhhhh.  Was nice to get out of here, even if it was for a very brief period of time.  Mom was a little easier to deal with outside of the house as usual - there is something very annoying and very Austrian about how she views her house and how judgmental she becomes over the superficial and surface essentially meaningless quality of how things look.  It was nice to get her away from the house as it does seem to bring out that which is the most difficult to deal with/repulsive in her. 

We arrived in Yuma Tuesday afternoon around 4:30 PM with reservations at the Econo Lodge.  From my smartphone it looked like a hike but realistically it was not that far.  I was a little embarrassed at how close it was to the Crescent Center - we could have walked it, even with my Mother's issues.  But at any rate, we did get a ride to the Econo Lodge, a place that was essentially clean and cheap and safe and well located - but the room could use some work.  The paint in the corners was cracked and peeling off, the room phone did not work well, and the shower doors were coming off from their track and it was a hassle to put them back on more than once.  However, the bed was comfortable and I did appreciate the full size fridge in the room and the pool was OK though due to the fairly cool and slightly rainy weather, I only used it once and did not go in all the way.  All in all, the room served it's purpose and I would stay there again. 

Interesting that the Econo Lodge was in spitting distance of the Torch Lite Lodge - a place I am 86'ed from and now that I realized that there are many similar lower end places to stay in Yuma, it's no big deal at all.  I will say one thing, however - I had issues with the Internet at the room in Yuma, too - maybe it's like a local thing, I don't know.  Regardless, I left the EconoLodge on pleasant terms and with no issues and for that I am grateful.

The night before we arrived in Yuma apparently they had heavy rain, and there were puddles around town and a lake adjacent to the Fry's on South 4th Avenue and 24th Street.  It even rained on me a bit while I was sitting by the pool at the hotel Wednesday evening, really a big deal in a city that gets around three inches of rain a year. 

There were no issues in Yuma.....no issues dating to my last trip though I did not set foot anywhere I was before during my return to Yuma from my disastrous trip in July/August.  That was nice.  There were no issues at the Phoenix airport nor with the shuttle company.  And there were no issues in Algodones, either - though on my way out of town a security guard at the Purple Pharmacy asked if I remembered him, to which I said "vaguely" - I think he may have helped me back with my incident on May 15. 2015 - if this is the case, he was very kindly towards me and not at all judgmental like many Americans would be and I do appreciate this.  I was not really uncomfortable but I also did not really know what to say so I just went with the flow and it went OK.  No nasty words or 86 treatment or American attitude, and for this I am indeed grateful. 

And then crossing the border.....unlike the second to last time, it went well and I was only asked what I had with me and was then sent on my way.  There seems to be no passport flag from my bizarre encounter three crossings back - and there seems to be no warrants on me illegally from my entirely legal anti police brutality activism.  If there were, US CBP would have taken me aside for at a minimum further processing, and this did not happen.  So even that retired Phoenix PD detective who was such an asshole online to me on FB after the Dollar Store Incident - his threat was BS (which I thought it was, honestly) and did not go any further.  I am grateful for this as it appears that at least at the moment, Algodones is not off the table for me.  Thank God for that!  It's a nice escape of sorts and one that is not that far from the Valley.   Things could have gone much differently and I am glad that they did not.  So that's one thing at least that actually has worked out well. 

As for Algodones, same aggressiveness as before, but Mom did get a nice ring for less than Macy's would charge for such {$135) and a pair of glasses ($250 but with a high end frame) and a non-phony branded high end purse for $60.  Among other things, I have another ring ($87 this time), two pair of prescription sunglasses ($95 at one place, $100 at the other), three jars of bee pollen, five tubes of Retin A, six bottles of 5 mg Amlodipine, 1 bottle of Omeprazole, and three bottles of 800 mg Ibuprofen.  Also three boxes of 100 mg Viagra and three key rings from that one store.  I was able to make $20.85 by remembering to convert my paper peso currency to USD which I have already deposited into my MISC account under the Cookie Jar at ACCU.  I also bought four bars of that soap that I like and two huge bottles of that EGO shampoo that I like.  So it was not a bad trip, no, not at all.  I really did want to come back and deal with Mom in her natural habitat with her fantasies of how life should be as life is honestly nothing like that and it's so fucking annoying that she can't realize this.

Last night Mom calls Bobby and this is another reason I am so disgusted with women.  I don't know what Bobby said but whatever it was was enough for Mom to be paranoid about her roof and now I am stuck with dealing with that - all because Bobby has a vagina and Bobby raised an issue - GRRRRR.......I really have had my fill of women and their nature and how they operate.  It truly is unbearable over time.  And now her sink in her bathroom is leaking and of course this is like a national catastrophe to her.  SO FUCKING ANNOYING - I really wish that there could be some kind of moratorium on house issues - like they just sit and wait and not assume the importance of God.  HOW FUCKING ANNOYING WOMEN ARE that they can't just work around something and expect perfection at all times.  I honestly am amazed that it took me so long to understand that women are essentially children in most cases completely off their rockers.  I am sure I will get to the other side of this but how irritating to be bombarded with this right after returning from getting away from the Valley for at least 24 hours. 

So today here I am at the library.  I have a mystery shop to do for Navy Federal Credit Union and I can also call TD Ameritrade and find out the amount of the check being sent to Navy Federal Credit Union for my Traditional IRA with them.  This little bit of money is from my days at Scottsdale Heathcare and has grown from something like $350 back then.  Face it, this money is like something that should be archived behind glass in a museum as given that I am essentially unemployable there will be no more such amounts of money stashed thusly away in my lifetime.  Who would hire me at this point?  And even if anyone did, it would likely be Part Time with no benefits, meaning no 401(K) plan.  At this point I very much have a hard time seeing any hotel hiring me.....and hotels twenty years ago were very much go to places where a server could work FT and at least have insurance.  Not anymore!!!!!

Off to do my Navy Federal Credit Union Phone Shop.....at least there's $6 entering my life.  Better than nothing!  Rob

Things Sure Change Fast.....

Things Sure Change Fast.....Today I went to the Arizona Humane Society Thrift Shop - or at least I thought I was going there - a place I had mystery shopped off and on for some time not long ago, up on Hatcher in Sunnyslope.  I took three buses there only to find that this thrift shop no longer existed and that the space was still run by the Arizona Humane Society but had been repurposed.  So then I went to the Wal Mart right by the Sunnyslope Transit Center, only to find that they did not have an optical department, nor did they have hard sided eyeglass cases, which is what I was looking for.  Uggggghhhhh.....That didn't go over well, did it.  I then went to the thrift shop, North Mountain Thrift Shop, across from Sunnyslope Transit Center and they were open, they do have reasonable prices, and they did have a cool imitation snakeskin eyeglass case for 1.50. Sold.  I also bought a new pair of Docker's boat shoes for $7.00 - a great deal and I'm glad that I ran across these and at that price.  I can remember the days of used shoes for $3.00 at thrift shops - that day is long, long, long gone.  $7 for a brand new pair of shoes is actually quite reasonable these days if not downright cheap. So good - I have a pair of shoes to get me through this Fall and Winter, hopefully.  Then I went to the Arizona Humane Society Thrift shop on Cave Creek Road, which is still open,  and there I found another hard sided eyeglass case for 1.00 but the price was actually .75 with today's discount, my kind of price.  The clerk there quoted me a starting price of 1.50 but I showed her the tag on the case for 1.00 and she honored it, Thank God.  I also went to that MJ MiniMart place where I got the enchilada plate - the owner/clerk there charged me 9.99 but I asked about the price as it was listed at 8.99 and after I said why not cancel the sale and I'll go elsewhere, he honored the price.  Thankfully as they have great food at that mini mart.  You wouldn't think there could be great food at a mini mart in Sunnyslope but their food rocks! 

Seems like I have no reason to go up that way again, however, with the thrift shop no longer existing.  Just like I have no reason to go to 35th Avenue and Camelback any longer - Epic Thrift shop is now closed permanently and after my issues at Grand Canyon University not long ago - I have no desire to ever show my face in that general area again.  Both areas at this point hold no relevance in my life, but it was nice to revisit Sunnyslope again - it's been awhile since I was up there.  And it was nice to go to the North Mountain Thrift Store - nice and clean and reasonably priced goods. 

So....it is now 3:31 PM on Tuesday - a week from today Mom and I are scheduled to be on the shuttle to Yuma and will still be on it at this time, about an hour outside of Yuma in the bare, dry, stark open desert.  It will be interesting to see how this trip goes, it really will be.  We shall see.  I will give no reason to get into trouble and will keep a low profile this time unlike last time.  We shall see. 

Last night something happened that seems miraculous for Summer 2019 - out of nowhere, it actually rained.  Seriously, fairly heavy rain, puddles, raining falling off the roof eaves, wet streets, nice rain smell, lightning and even thunder.....just rain!  Something that has been sorely lacking this summer.  I understand the storms formed near the junction of 1-10 and the state route from Buckeye to Gila Bend, a place that I remember from trips to Algodones.  And it will be really interesting to go down to Algodones with Mom this time as it's been five years since she has been there and I believe the last time she went down was around Christmas 2013 - that seems eons ago now as so much has changed even in this period of time.  I remember we stayed at The Hacienda Algodones back then, something I blew in 2014 and Tony will remember that big time so I won't be setting foot again at the Hacienda in this karma.  Not only that but the Hacienda is more expensive now than other options in Algodones, and I personally like the anonymity possible at California Comfort and Suites as opposed to Hacienda Algodones.  And maybe I can stay at Hotel Central some time, now that would be interesting.....

Anyway, tomorrow I have an appointment at SW HIV Center at 2 PM and then after that, I believe I am done with appointments for awhile.  And I'm glad.  Something else I am glad for is that I don't have to go to Maricopa Medical this coming Monday for another appointment - apparently at yesterday's ultrasound appointment, all the pictures they needed were taken and next Monday's appointment was cancelled, thereby saving me time and hassle and for that I am very much grateful, believe you me.  So I will be able to get at least something done before we take off for Yuma/Algodones.  And at least we are both getting out of the city and out of the house, and for that I am grateful.  Housing around a woman and around society is really stressful.....I really wish I lived outside this huge sprawling city which drives me nuts.  But it's like I told Mom yesterday.....America is very flat for me.  Anywhere I go thanks to background checks I will be discriminated against for things that happened 30 years ago now.  It doesn't matter - these things will define me to my dying breath in this intolerant and extremely unforgiving society.  All I can say is Thank God society cast me aside and made me a misfit.....I can see society as it is because I've spent my life on the outside looking in, which means I see things more clearly and more as they really are as I have no investment whatsoever in the status quo.  And I don't very much like what I see, not at all.  So America being flat really doesn't mean anything much to me at all.  I can remember back in Managerial Accounting with Linda Cooper as instructor, back in Spring Semester 1988 - I can remember writing Greensboro, North Carolina over and over again on a sheet of paper as I really thought leaving Arizona would solve many of my problems.....imagine how interesting it was to discover that although I moved to Portland, Oregon, years ago, I in fact brought myself with me.  Back in Linda Cooper's Managerial Accounting class Spring Semester 1988 I didn't know that the Internet was coming and that background checks would essentially cut much of society off for me.  Now anywhere I go I will face the same issues and the same discrimination.....all that moving will do for me is perhaps change my cost of living and also the climate I have to deal with.  And taxes I face too I guess.  Other than that, moving is not going to do much for me. 

It's hard for me to believe this but 20 years ago I was living at the Warren House (God forbid!!!!!) and working at JB's at 32nd Street and Indian School Road.  What a nightmare that place was and I am not at all sad to see that place having met it's demise....out of business and now bulldozed with a McDonald's at the site.  It's like you would never know what was once there and all the drama that took place on that site.  Same old true for Chick-Fil-A at 16th Street and Camelback - there was once a Denny's there that I worked at for a month and Thank God left.  I hated that place and shed no tears that it was bulldozed and no longer exists.  And for Mom the same holds true.....all those years at the Arizona Eastern Starr Nursing Home - all that stress and drama, only to have it bulldozed a few years ago to make way for luxury apartments, which are now up and leasing.  You would never know that a Senior Living slash nursing home had been there.  I bet my Mother sheds no tears to see the Arizona Eastern Starr slash Arizona Grand leveled and gone and no more.....It's not far off, either, that it will be 20 years since I was a night auditor at the Hilton Garden Inn at the corner of Central and Thomas, which has now been rebranded into an Embassy Suites.  Gotta say that place sucked, too, and I am so glad to be out of there.  I don't think I'd ever care to be a night auditor again, either.  Too much to know and do and to be responsible for, for so little money.  It's just not worth it. 

At any rate, I probably should be thinking about getting home.  It's so nice to be here in the library - I don't know how I managed those eleven months the library was closed due to the sprinkler system flooding the place after a monsoon storm lifted up the roof.  That was such a strange thing to have happen.....I am just so glad that the library has once again reopened.  For an introvert like me, the library is a safe place and one that I hold dear to my heart, even if the role of the modern day library is not quite the same as the role it played when I was young.  Rob

And Here I Am Yet Again.....

And Here I Am Yet Again.....back at the fifth floor of the Phoenix Public Library.

Today I went to Mass with Mom and as is seemingly usual, we both got a ride home from Harry and Karen, something that I really appreciate.  Mom's memory is getting worse and worse as she was going to leave her cane behind in Church and this is just so unlike her, it really is.  Scary but I guess this is part and parcel of getting old.  I DID go to the Lambda Meeting, too, but I did not see Nita there today.  (For some reason I thought that she might be there....but I DID go and it was not all that bad.  I was essentially anonymous and said nothing but was also not uncomfortable nor paranoid about being there like I was when I went there some 16 years ago.  I understand today that I am damaged and that it is best for me personally to remain single and that is just how that is, like it or not.  It is best for me to remain alone as I never learned basis relationship skills and at this late date at the age of 52 it is unlikely that I am ever have the opportunity to learn such as everyone want a finished product and I am far from being finished given my status as damaged goods with issues.  Interesting enough, this makes it much easier for me to go to a Lambda Meeting as I have been bashed around enough in life to not care what other people think of me that much - what matters to me now IS WHAT I THINK OF ME.....not what other people think.

I also managed to get the second Navy Federal Credit Union phone mystery shop completed and submitted.....hopefully, both such shops will be accepted and that means another $12 is headed my way to be deposited into my NFCU savings account.  More and more I'm seeing mystery shopping as a niche that is drying up and dying off.  It is not completely gone yet but the depth and breadth of shops I enjoyed back in 2013 and 2014 - Gone With The Wind.  So many clients are no longer being shopped as I have previously posted and there seems to be a lack of new clients stepping up to the plate to offer shops.  For all I know, this NFCU shop may be it.....and with ruckus in California regarding considering gig workers as employees and not independent contractors, this business may soon be completely restructured, and if we are to be considered employees, there will be background checks, meaning this niche will be off limits to me as so much else in society is these days.

There was a little rain yesterday but not the fierce monsoon storm I was hoping for - and I believe that what passed for a monsoon this year, pathetic as it has been, is almost over as soon the highs in the Valley will be mid 90's with lows in the mid 70's - classic September post monsoon weather.  I wish we had had a monsoon this year but it is what it is and at least Summer is beginning to ebb and go away.....not soon enough in my humble opinion but at least it's starting.

Something I find annoying is that I have been unable to recover my blog posts from the end of my Radisson days to my time after fleeing Utah in 2013 - some interesting and historic posts in here regarding my time in f and b when I still could work in that very different economy that no longer is.  It's like seeing something in a museum behind glass as it seems to different and foreign and from another place and another time compared to the brutal reality of here and now.

Creepy.....there is now a Phoenix Police Officer in the Burton Barr Library.....I guess there may have been incidents that have led to this happening but with all the homeless folks here, some of whom are mentally ill through no fault of their own - I worry that there will be a police shooting of someone down and out there that will not pass legal muster.  Something like this could happen at any time and it would mean all kinds of pr nightmare for the City of Phoenix, much like the infamous Dollar Store incident did.  Creepy, creepy, creepy.  At least I have been left alone and for this I am indeed grateful.

Something that was nice at the Lambda Meeting today - I saw guys expressing non-sexual affection to each other and that is something that is beautiful to see, it really is.  I doubt I'll ever be equal to such or that there might be any of that for me, but I will continue going to this large Sunday meeting and see what happens as a result thereof.  It seems as if I can go and be completely anonymous as I was today but start talking and participating and your anonymity will get shot to hell real quick.  It is a large meeting, too, and there was only one person I there that I remember from years ago - and old woman who I remember was a customer of mine at Coco's years ago.  I'm so glad my time at Coco's is done - ugggggghhhhh,,,,,how did I survive that insane place for so long?  I can remember after the trifecta (Coco's, Chevy's, Macayo's), how after I finished my time my first round at the El Tovar Lounge....how going to Nogales, and staying in Tucson seemed like such a huge deal to me - all those years even something as simple and as basic as going to Tucson seemed out of reach and off limits to me.  Seriously, it seems hard to believe now but I can remember being absolutely thrilled in regards to going to Nogales.  Now I'm a bit wary of Nogales and am staying away.....it's not the same place it was even back in 2004.

I'm at the library up on the fifth floor as I have already stated.  I am looking at a bookshelf and there is a book with an attention grabbing title - at least for myself and for people like me, and I hardly believe that I am alone these days - the title of the book is (drumroll please) Unemployable.  Boy howdy can I EVER relate to that book title these days!  It's amazing to me as I clung to food and beverage for so so so long as one thing I will say about f and b of the old days - back when it was $2.13/hr to have me wait tables - it was a job that I could do and my past and my personality would not be held against me back in the day.  This is why I stuck with it for so long, that and the fact that I already knew office work was not for me and I also knew retail was also not for me.  Interestingly enough, I would not be able to get a retail job nor an office job today due to background checks.....No worries about me ever getting a job in retail nor for any branch of government, not going to happen courtesy of the Internet and background checks.

Funny too as at the meeting today, the speaker who was celebrating 11 years was talking about how "most of us have good jobs" - huh?  I can't get a job for so many reasons and he's saying that most of us have good jobs?  What planet is this man beaming transmissions from?  I have no idea of any job that I could actually get at this point, especially with my employment gap and with everyone wanting experience in jobs, even for minimum wage jobs.  And certainly at my age and with waiting tables paying $8 an hour plus tips in Arizona now, no local eatery is going to hire me.  And forget working at a hotel these days - they seem to be fortresses these days that are not at all easy to get into as they once were.....though I will say that I remember applying once at the Ritz Carlton during the boom years and got screened out.  Other than that, I did find hotels fairly easy to get hired at back in the day.  I can even remember when I was applying for Sage/Phoenix Airport Sheraton, the background check back in 2007 only went back 7 years!  And I can remember when I applied with Scottsdale Healthcare back in 2005, the background check only went back 5 years!  Not anymore.....it's like lifetime background checks these days, and more and more employers use continual background checks these days.  I really can't see myself working for someone else in the United States ever again due to this. 

So much of my life really does seem to have been a perfect storm.....and after all these years, instead of looking for a loophole, I find myself distancing myself from society.  It really is a meat grinder, it really is, and I, like many others, am better off just not playing the game to begin with.  I really believe the less I have to do with society in general, the calmer and more content with my life I can be.  I can also say that personally I find urban life very annoying and always have - maybe spending the first ten years of my life in a small town jinxed me, but I do find urban life very stressful and meaningless and annoying.  And something else?  Larry's former house across the street selling for 320K?  That's simply unsustainable.  And Frank and Wendy's old house being listed at $259,000?  Also unsustainable.  I wonder when prices are going to plunge and what the catalyst for this will be? 

Something that I noted at the Lambda meeting today?  The speaker thanked folks on the Left for doing what they have done so that gay men and women could be who they are.  This is true.....it is the Left that has pushed this through and agitated for this to happen.  The Right does not care about such things and I sure hope we don't get stuck with another 4 years of Donald Trump.  Oh God please not another four years of the Orange Thug.  At least he's got a bit of a rep now and seemingly a little less support than he had going in the first time around.  Though I no longer believe polls - polls showed a Hillary Clinton win last time around and we know how that worked out, now don't we? 

Tomorrow I have Mass in the morning and then I count money and then I have the ultrasound appointment at noon.  It will be interesting to see what is determined via the ultrasound and the upcoming radiology appointment.  I wonder if I will indeed have urinary blockage surgery and what that surgery might look like - if I have to check into the hospital or not.  I'm hoping the recovery time involved will not be a nightmare similar to my gall bladder surgery.....now that sucked, it truly did suck. 

Well, what is interesting is that a week from this coming Tuesday?  A week from this coming Tuesday
Mom and I will be heading to Yuma on the shuttle to go to Algodones to have glasses made.  It will be interesting to see if we are hassled or not by US CBP.  At this point I would not be surprised - what a scary agency and nothing at all is being done to check their power.  And US citizens are now being harassed, too.  I really don't recognize or understand this United States and I certainly don't fit into it.  Though I never really have fit into this society very well, truth be told.  At least I have nothing to worry about until such a time as I actually cross the border - I doubt I'm going to have issues entering Mexico as both times I've entered Los Algodones this year so far I have hardly faced any real scrutiny.  Last time I entered Los Algodones, my passport was not even checked.  Compare and contrast this with the paranoia of dealing with the US side of the border.  I just don't get it, I really don't. 

Well, anyway, I guess I am going to call it a day and get my act together to get on home and make a salad and stay with Mom while she uses the massager I bought at Maggie's Place for her.  Rob

Here I Am Yet Again.....

Here I Am Yet Again.....at the fifth floor of the Phoenix Public Library.....and I have some good news!  Yesterday Abraham finally came over to the house and repaired Mom's shower.....turns out the drain was clogged with some sort of hair.  He fixed it and did not charge for coming over and I thought that this was truly really cool.  So I am glad that that is done.  But wait, there's more!  Fermin was with him and had this WONDERFUL news to pass along.....Baldo and Matilda are moving out to the Estrella Mountain Area by the end of October and have paid for one final month with Adolfo next door to us, then they are going to be moving on,  Thank God!  Now don't get me wrong, Baldo did do wonderful, high quality work and he didn't charge an arm and a leg for said work.....but he did want total control over the house and seemed to think he was in charge of the house.  He got too bossy and too personal and tried to control me and he also lied too much - I really resent how he lied the last time before we gave Abraham's crew the work - saying he was going to take the day to bond with his daughter and then I pass by him and Matilda and Matilda's daughter working on a house down the street from 2210 North 21st Place.  In other words, he lied to us and I really did not like that.  Olive from church was right - he really was using us and our lives were completely up in the air as this was going on and it was extremely annoying.  I didn't like giving Abraham the work and cutting Baldo out but I was sick of Baldo taking control where he had no right to - witness how he wanted to take control of who cleaned our AC vents and how he thought he had the right to control this, even saying to Mom to "respect my boundaries" - a line he had gotten from me when he was replacing the broken flusher thing in my toilet in the front bathroom.  It was too much and too bizarre and I don't like how Matilda played female and guilted me about the mess in the house - it was not her right to do so and it is none of her damned business, as it was not Baldo's business, either - and I don't like how Mom "loaned"  Matilda $200 that she will never pay back.  And yet she would  guilt trip and judge.....I really dislike how they both treated me when I took off for Flagstaff and the South Rim of the Grand Canyon the end of last October, when Mom misplaced both of her telephones and blamed me for it, when she had one phone in her purse and one buried under one of her sheets.  Yet it's OK to assume I'm at fault and to guilt me.  No, I will not miss either of them and I'm so glad they are moving on.  Thank God.  Now what would be wonderful is if Fermin could rent that apartment behind Alfonso's house and move out of our back unit.  I could clean it up and live there in peace, or at least visit there when I need time and space alone, which is often.  At least there is some good news and Baldo and Matilda and their BS is moving on!

Picked up two Navy Federal Credit Union phone shops for $6 each - did the first one today.  They really are very easy but I don't care for the snarky comment made by an editor the last round of NFCU shops I did - but you know what?  All that matters is that I get paid and indeed I did so I'm letting it go.  And about mystery shopping - as I've said in a prior post - I think this business is dying out, I really do.  I don't see anywhere near the variety of shops I did when I returned from Utah after the panic attacks of 2013.  Many clients are gone and I don't see new clients stepping up to the plate to replace them.  I truly miss the Humane Society Shops with a $10 merchandise reimbursement....I did pick up a few cool things though that nice lounge chair I picked up for $5 - stolen from our property one night along with the outdoors table that was a freebie from Target via giftcards for filling prescriptions there - a freebie I do miss from the 2008 to 2009 era.  Lesson there is to not leave anything nice outside period.  Just not worth the risk.  I'm glad however that the table was free and the lounge chair was a freebie from mystery shopping, too.  I have a nice box with a tropical bird on the outside from the those shops, along with a brand new foot fixer and a cat carrier in good shape, along with some other freebies I can't recall off the top of my head (oh, and a nice small table Mom used to use in her bedroom until I bought the bigger and nicer one from Maggie's Place).

At any rate, I do believe that this business is indeed dying out.  And I'm seeing fewer bank shops, way wicked fewer retail shops, and no cell phone shops whatsoever, and honestly?  I do kind of miss those cell phone shops, they were quite painless and quick and easy.  I remember the few I did for GFK....a very easy $15 each.  Right now I have no desire to run around all over town as I did when I first returned from Utah.  I remember then getting a $10 Sunglass Hut shop at 95th Avenue and Glendale and I took it for something to do.  Now I would not go all the way out there for a paltry $10.....it's just not worth it.  I still can't believe that it's been six years since my panic attacks and the end of my days waiting tables.  I don't think I could wait tables these days - something in me has changed.  It's like I read in a book I bought cheap from the public library once -  once you have panic attacks, when you pick up the pieces and try to put things together again, you don't come up with what you had before the attacks, and I find this to be very true for myself.  And of course, background checks stand in my way as does my long, long, long employment gap, legally testing positive for THC, Mom slowing down and having balance issues and memory issues (look at how she paid that money to Vibrant Care with no questions when I caught it as a mistake at first glance), and lastly, Applicant Tracking Software, used both at Xanterra South Rim and at Forever Resorts North Rim stand in my way, too.  I do believe my life of working seasonal resort f and b jobs is now closed.

Tomorrow I have church to attend with Mom, and then a meeting at Lambda I really don't want to go to, and then I have to complete my last NFCU phone shop which I will input here at the library tomorrow afternoon.  Hopefully both shops will be approved and I will earn $12 for my trouble to deposit into NFCU.  It's better than nothing but I sure do miss the depth and breadth of shops that I once enjoyed!  I just looked on I Secret Shop and there is nothing there, either.  Well, at least it was nice while it lasted.....I am of the opinion that more and more there are going to be fewer and fewer traditional mystery shops and more and more competition to get the few scraps that are indeed left.  Not something that I am really interested in, nope.  I do miss the Cafe Zupas shop for $8 and reimbursement, too.  That was a nice shop and I wish it still existed!

Looking forward to going back to Yuma/Algodones with Mom - will be interesting to see how this works out and if there are any issues encountered in this trip or not.  I am thinking that I am probably OK as if there were issues, authorities would have no issues with contacting me and making their BS known.  Such has not happened, so I am probably OK.  Will be interesting to see.  Entering Mexico likely will be easy - my last entry into Mexico my passport was not even looked at, which really does amaze me in this day and age.  I guess maybe because Mexican immigration is used to middle aged gringos crossing for cut rate dental work and that's an everyday occurrence there.  It's returning back that I am worried about as US CBP is just getting too out there for me, as are American Police in general.  Too much abuse of power and too much breaking the law and getting away with it.  I'm so glad that that African American couple from earlier this year is suing the City of Phoenix for $10 million for what took place outside that dollar store at 36th Street and Roosevelt.  I also notice that the Phoenix Police seem to have toned themselves down a bit since that incident.  Wise on their part but I'm of the opinion that this can't last that long.....something is going to take place sometime that shows their true colors once again.

No longer welcome at the Torch Lite in Yuma?  That freaked me out but I'm thinking it's probably a sexual orientation thing due to my voice and people knowing that I'm gay based on my voice.  I know that gay people are looked down on in India (owners of the Torch Lite being Indians)  and people do know about me pronto.....at any rate, their property, though quite convenient to the Crescent Center in Yuma where First Class Shuttle drops off at, is not the only inexpensive lodging in Yuma, and this time we will be staying at the EconoLodge right down the street, which is a corporate place and perhaps this time corporate is a Godsend in that if there are any issues, there will be an 800 number I can call and (perhaps) a FB page I can comment on.  This is one rare time that Corporate may actually be a Godsend for me as I have more rights at the EconoLodge than I do in a privately owned lodging situation.  At any rate, it's no great tragedy that I am no longer welcome at the Torch Lite.  It's a little scuzzy with their weekly rate clientele anyway.......and I will keep a low profile at the EconoLodge as this may be a go to place for me in the future, who knows?  And I did call the California Comfort and Suites in Algodones not long ago and found that I am welcome to stay there again.....no issues such as at the Torch Lite.  And I'm OK to travel on First Class Shuttle once again....I really spaced out and shared with the woman in the office there that I had been 86'ed out of the Torch Lite and I was worried that she would call and ask and then ban me from the shuttle.....I'm OK there, too.  If it's only the Torch Lite where I am unwelcome, that's really not a big deal, no it is not.  I'm so glad that I was not 86'ed from the shuttle to Yuma.

Interesting, isn't it, that I would care so much regarding being banned from a shuttle to Yuma?  I can remember when I was younger and Flagstaff was such a big deal to me - I was there late last October and hardly recognize the place and I very much realize that there is nothing there for me these days.  No housing, no job, no reason to be there other than the climate is much more to my liking than Yuma's.  Yuma offers me quick access to Algodones which is what it is all about for me these days.  I'm a little put off by Tucson, which is said to be the 6th poorest large city in America these days, and by Nogales, where a couple from Tucson was recently kidnapped and where I was blown off by a dental office and I'm not really sure why but whatever, I have since moved on.  I'm thinking with all the migrants hanging out in Nogales that it may not be the safest place for me to be these days anyway.  No great loss there, not at all.  And I don't like that drugstore guy entering the dental office and trying to drum up business - ick.  Creepy.  Really creepy.  I'd much rather just go to Algodones.

One thing I am grateful to Mexico for - for the cheap, and I mean cheap (USD $1,040 for four root canals this past May!!!!!) dental care this past May and for getting the hole issues in my teeth taken care of before they got worse and needed even more work.  This is something that I am truly grateful for.  This work would have cost much, much, much more in Phoenix and I have no desire to pay US prices for this kind of thing - not when Mexico is so close and so easy to enter - at least at Algodones.  I'm sure this will not always be the case, however.....in Tijuana when you cross into Mexico, they are checking international criminal databases on the pedestrians crossing into Mexico.....that will come to Algodones some day not too far off.  I realize this and that the clock is ticking on this.....I'm just glad I bought the goodies I did before this indeed happens and that I got the dental work done that I did before this indeed happens.

Something neat I have worked out with Mom is that I am going to get the house done between now and Christmas, and I'm asking for that $3,500 on Christmas Day as as gift/payment.  I will be so glad to have this money and will deposit it into Navy Federal Credit Union - I'll start a money market account with it and just park that money there.  Matter of fact, today I arrived at NFCU up on Highland and 18th Street early - I was the first customer to enter today - and I made arrangements to move my money that has been sitting at Scottrade/TD Ameritrade since my days at Scottsdale Healthcare ended in 2005 over to a Traditional IRA at Navy Federal Credit Union.  I'd just like to have this money out of the stock market which I believe is horrifically overpriced and due for a major correction.   I just like the idea of this token amount of money that links me back to the old days when finding a job was so so so much easier than today is somewhere safe and insured at NFCU.  And it has grown since my days at Scottsdale Healthcare - I think it was around $350 when I left - and I am so glad that I left Scottsdale Healthcare, too.  That place sucked, it really did.  I can look back now and realize that my time at Scottsdale Healthcare was a further lesson that realistically, I am better off self employed, I really am.  I just did not fit into that place at all, not at all.  Interesting that they have since merged with John C Lincoln Hospital and have cut way back on benefits such as the tuition reimbursement.  From what I understand, health care and hospitals are going to be hurting in the future due to Medicare reimbursement cuts.  Health care?  Cutbacks?  Who woulda thunk? 

Interesting.....there is a severe thunderstorm watch for Maricopa County/South Central Arizona until 10 PM tonight and I just checked Phoenix weather radar and apparently, there are storms moving into being near the Valley as we speak, not too far from Gilbert out in the SE Valley.  I hpope we do get some rain tonight as soon any pretense of a monsoon will end given that this is September and this monsoon has truly been the most pathetic one I have ever experienced all my years in the Valley.  Just did not get it's act together and become an actual monsoon in the traditional sense of the word at all.  What a lame nonsoon this was - less than a half inch of rain and the average is a little over 2 inches of rain every monsoon.  This monsoon was pathetic! 

Speaking of the monsoon, I am currently on the fifth floor of the Phoenix Public Library, a great place to watch storms roll into town, something that is true and something that I remember reading in the Phoenix New Times some years ago.  It looks like there are storm clouds to the SE and it looks like dust is entering, or at least trying to enter, from the SE Valley.  Will be interesting to see if this fizzles out or if it indeed does lead to that funky rare thing they call rain.....From where I am sitting I can see dust over South Mountain advancing West.  Will be interesting to see what happens here if anything at all.  It sure would be nice to pick up a little rain today/tonight.  We'll see. 

I am looking forward to being on the shuttle to Yuma once again.....this is one of my favorite things in life, to be in transit to somewhere else and to be unavailable due to being in transit.

Went to Tru Med today with Alex's cousin.....I'm glad that that is back on.  I'm thinking more and more that there was indeed nothing wrong with my phone and that is was confusion from the medication that plagued me.  Something that really seems to highlight this is the fact that I was able to download and get the ACCU app to work on my phone the other day - remember how this seemed to be an impossible feat not long ago?  I really was confused and I'm glad that the consequences were not worse than they were. 

Hmmmm.....interesting.  Dust seems to be moving into downtown now - not too far away from my location at the library.  Who knows if actual rain will follow but at least we are getting dust.  Right now I am remembering a trip I made to Tucson back in June of 2006 - I remember being in the outskirts of Tucson and rain falling from the monsoon that year.  Hard to believe that those days are now 13 years ago!  It seems like just yesterday but time has marched on and hardly anyone if anyone I remember is still there and Stephanie Edwards herself seems to have left the business to do something else.  I understand she got the ax - politics from the new owners/corporation/management no doubt.  Lord, I am so so so glad to be out of that crazy business! 

And hey, it happened, the dust storm has entered downtown Phoenix!  And there is rain on the radar and weather watches in the area though not directly over us as I type this.  Who knows, it may get interesting later tonight (or not).  At least I can say we had one dust storm this monsoon.  And the power did go out (briefly) once.  Better late than never I suppose. 

Well, it is pushing 5 PM which is closing time for the Burton Barr branch on Saturdays.....best to get out of here and get home and make a salad and do a load of laundry perhaps and move on with the day.  Rob

And here I am again.....

And here I am again.....on the fifth floor of the Phoenix Public Library and I once again feel myself overwhelmed.  I really am overwhelmed by the mess at the house and I truly wish we had never had any home renovation done as it is so stressful and the expectation is then that everything looks wonderful and how society would want things to look.  How stressful it all is, and how superficial/trite/meaningless it all is.  I'm glad that I am gay for two main reasons, even if I don't fit one iota into the "lifestyle" - A).  I never did and never will marry a woman with nagging and expectations and the need to conform at all times to a society that I don't fit into nor agree with in most instances, and B).  Due to not having sex with women nor having relationships with women, I do not and will not ever have children.  I am so grateful for both as I never got what I needed growing up and I would be a horrible parent, not giving any offspring what they needed to function successfully in society, and any relationship I might enter is doomed to be dramatic and short lived due to the fact that I never got that which I needed - I never learned relationship skills nor getting along with others growing up.  As off the rails my life has been and given how my life overall has been a perfect storm of insanity, the above two facts are two facts in my life that I am indeed grateful for.  Could you imagine how horrible for me having a child and/or being married would be and what a colossal failure I would be at both?  So in my fucked up life at least two things have worked out for the best.  I am sure in a dry, cynical way there are more examples of things that probably worked out for the best - I am more likely to see this now with what passes as middle aged wisdom that I seem to run across in myself from time to time.

Today I cancelled with Nita until October 18th.....I could not find that movie I checked out from the library yesterday - that Elizabeth Taylor movie Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?  That tipped me into needing space and feeling overwhelmed - I really do need a lot of space and to be left alone these days.  Maybe indeed it is for the best that society has outcast me - I sure need my space from society these days.  Society is not only fraying at the seams but is coming apart at the seams these days - society is quite sick and I'm not sure being socially acceptable in a society such as this is a compliment - at least not these days.  Turns out that at the library I did indeed find the Liz Taylor movie I had checked out from the library....it was tangled up with this Chromebook that I am currently typing on.  But I am glad that I cancelled with Nita.  I miss Catherine and her lack of meddling and her lack of expectation as to am time out of her office - I only wish AHCCCS would cancel me out at Family Services Agency.  I seem to have come to a place where I understand that I am both unemployable AND undateable and I am OK with both as I understand how I have arrived at this place where both of the preceding hold true.  I just need to move on with getting the house finally in order and with whatever is next in my life.

I have some kind of urinary obstruction and a bunch of appointments coming up surrounding that....fun times, no?  Not looking forward to this but urination has been funky for several months and it would be nice to have this done and gone, I will admit that much.  I just hope I don't have to check into a hospital to deal with this, you know?  I am also hoping that this procedure will be minimally invasive and not a wide open cut that will take a long time to recover from and that would require home health care visits - now that truly would suck big time, yes indeed.  I also have an appointment coming up for Southwest HIV Center and I will be grateful to have that done.  And it was nice to get my Hepatitis A and Hepatitis B boosters from both Southwest HIV Center and from Maricopa Intergrated plus this year's flu shot done and over with.  At least I did honor those September appointments, Thank God!

I just got a call from Maricopa Medical and it seems that my cholesterol is good - so at least one thing is doing well.  I'm glad for that much at any rate.  And I've been in touch with Abraham via text and he says he is coming later today between 2 and 3 in regards to M's plumbing.  I really hope this is not going to be a total fucking nightmare.....honestly, I wish we had never had those rooms redone and I wish we had never met Baldo to begin with.  But more on him another time.

I have found one thing that I believe works for me and that I believe I will begin holding dear - there is a weekly guided meditation at the Phoenix Art Museum at noon on Thursdays and since I am a member I can go and I went yesterday and indeed it was very calming and soothing.  I do believe there truly is something to meditation - my limited experience with it is that it is indeed calming and soothing and something I need to be looking into more.  It would not hurt me to learn the basic practice of meditation as I disconnect further and further from society.  It's just too stressful and too crazy for me these days, it really is.

So strange how my life has ended out.....I never foresaw 30 years ago when I was Tim McMahon's roomate at Pinecliff Village that I would 30 years later be at this place where I am indeed unemployable, that the Internet would exist and become a conduit by which my past  could be used against me.  Amazing - I probably could not live at Pinecliff Village now and perhaps - depending on  NAU's policies, of which I am not certain - I might not be able to even attend NAU at all.  And that move to Portland back in 1991 before the Internet?  Such would not be possible today as I likely would not be able to pass the background check to rent an apartment and I would not be able to pass the background check to even find employment.  That move is something of Americana that realistically, at least for people like myself, no longer exists.  If I could go back in time and change one thing, I would have acquired some kind of skill I could use on a self-employed basis - I am not in the slightest bit geared to deal with Corporate America, nor does office work work for me.  Not one iota.  Gotta thank Multnomah County, Oregon, for teaching me that one beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

Isn't it amazing that I once worked for County Government in Oregon?  27 years ago, before the existence of the Internet, and due to the fact that it was a union shop and they had some kind of agreement that background checks be limited to Oregon only, which allowed me to be employed because my background in Oregon is crystal clear.  I am sure that today I could not get that job and that the background checks involved have since greatly expanded.  And now there is something new on the job market - the concept on continual background checks, 24/7/365.  Wow.  That means that as an employee, you will be constantly monitored by your employer.  Dear God, but do I find that creeepy, creepy, creepy.  Capital C for Creepy.

I remember the day I was let go from that County Government job.  It really is no surprise in retrospect as there was no training at all involved and I never understood nor picked up the job - today I would have quit on my own instead of wasting all that time - the six months I wasted on that job.  I will say that that experience was a Godsend in the sense that it was made crystal clear to me that office work is not for me.  My personality is not suited to office work, nor is my temperament.  I remember being so depressed regarding having been let go and feeling like a total failure - now I'm glad I was let go.  Supposing it had worked out, how long would it have been until I was fired from my job due to failing a new background check requirement?  After 9/11, I would not be surprised if background check requirements had been ramped up significantly.  I don't miss that job nor that office nor my co-workers there one bit, though I will say that Carol - who gave me that windmill - she was cool.  But I don't miss that office nor working for the County one bit.  It is however hard for me to believe that that was 27 years ago - over a quarter of a century ago.

Was in touch with Abraham today - looks like he is coming today around 2 to 3 PM to work on the plumbing issue in M's redone shower - will be glad once that is over and done with and M has her shower back once again.  And if he can retouch those few areas of paint, that would be great, too.

Thinking of (perhaps) going to the guided meditation hour at SW HIV Center.....though I also wonder if I would even begin to fit in with the clientele there.  I'm not someone who fits into mainstream gay culture, not one bit.  Honestly, it's bad enough to be outcast by society in general, but to be outcast by the gay scene really sucks, too.....but I'm not going to change myself to fit in with a lifestyle that is led in such a way that it does not work for me.  I can remember John Masciola wanting me to be one with the bar scene and I'm just like.....NO.  NO. NO.  What is it about NO that you don't understand?

Signed up with Ryan at KSS for two NFCU shops this weekend.  Good.  There's $12 coming in at any rate.  Money I can deposit into Navy Federal Credit Union at least.   And I just logged into a few mystery shopping sites and I must say that the business has really changed recently.....I'm not seeing the variety of shops that were once available.  No, not at all.  I really do believe that the mystery shopping business is changing for better or worse, and is in decline due to technology and other cheaper methods of getting information such as mobile apps such as Mobee and others.  And this law in California regarding considering gig economy workers as employees will only serve to further shake up the industry, especially should something like this go nationwide.  Forget ever getting any more shops, should that happen.  It would appear as if I am not going to be getting many shops going forward as I'm not on good terms with many companies and very few shops are even being offered these days.   I will say one thing for my mystery shopping  "career" as it were - it was very nice, the one nice, nice, nice perk of having been a mystery shopper that I truly do appreciate - membership in Navy Federal Credit Union, and not only for myself, but I managed to get Mom in, too.  Now that I truly do appreciate.  And without mystery shopping, I never would have had the cajones to enter Navy Federal Credit Union and try my luck.  Mystery shopping gave me an excuse to enter NFCU and inquire - as I said, I never would have otherwise done this.  So beyond a lawn/leaf bag, a piece of Venetian glass jewelry for Mom from Pandorra, and a few scattered pieces of art from Mint, the one thing I have gotten as a result of mystery shopping?  Membership in Navy Federal Credit Union. 

Well it is coming to be about time that I left the library so I can get home in time to be there for Abraham.  I will be coming back tomorrow and ditto Sunday as I do have those mystery shops to attend to.  I am so grateful now that I bought this Chromebook from Target last Black Friday.....given the recent Lenevo laptop fiasco, I am glad that I have this to work with.  Eventually there will be Internet at the house again but right now it's about being as simple as possible and cutting out the extra.  Enough extra, such as this urinary obstruction, will come my way on it's own already....I don't need to be courting extra as extra will find me on it's own anyway. 

Looking forward to returning to Algodones soon with Mom, Mom not having set foot there since a visit in 2013 around Christmas I believe.  It's been five years for her since she's set foot there or in Yuma.  There have been some changes.  That Burger King next door to the Torch Lite is no longer open, and I believe that thrift shop we used to go to there is closed, too.  Also - long story and a creepy story - I am no longer welcome at the Torch Lite and that to me is just so bizarre.  For not being able to get my Internet going?  Lame.  I still think it's a sexual orientation issue but whatever - there is an EconoLodge not far away right down the street that will be happy for our/my business.  Gala Optical in Los Algodones no longer exists, and there is a new hotel there called California Comfort and Suites that I have stayed at twice.  It's more expensive to get to Yuma now, but both Yuma and Los Algodones are as ugly as ever.  Rob

And I'm back at it again.....

And I'm back at it again.....back at the fifth floor of the Phoenix Public Library to get online alone and in peace.  I am so glad that I bought this Chromebook cheap for 119.99 plus tax on Black Friday last year, see how it's come in handy at this late date due to my constant drama with laptops and what a nightmare they are for me?  I am so glad that I have this Chromebook for the time being.  It is going to help me keep track of this challenging and difficult time in my life. 

At any rate, I am back from yesterday.  It turns out that I did not lose my charger cord for my smartphone after all - I found it on the living room floor after I came home yesterday, thereby making that stressful trip to Boost Mobile yesterday utterly useless.  But at least I have another charger cord - that much right there is indeed cool.....and I did make my appointment yesterday at Maricopa Intergrated.  Now I am up to date on both Hepatitis A and Hepatitis B shots and I understand that these shots are good for my lifetime, plus I did get a flu shot at CVS the other day that AHCCCS will be picking up Thank God.  So at least I've gotten something tangible from AHCCCS and the Obama years that the GOP and Donald Trump can't take away from me.  That's cool right there.

Getting back to yesterday's topic.....food and beverage.  I can look back now and I realize that moving to Portland likely killed off my BSBA in Marketing (just the wrong thing for me to study in school, btw, what WAS I thinking?)  as it's not a career type city - it's often been called a place young people go to retire, though I did not know this then.  And taking that first serving job at the Tusayan Denny's - that was a killer to any notion of a professional career - though by that time background checks were coming into being thanks to the Internet and even if I had been hired somewhere, likely I would have been canned at some point when background checks indeed were run on staff.  Just like when I ran into Bill Behrens August of 2018 at Costco out of nowhere - we chatted for a bit and then sat down in their deli area with food and he volunteered that Forever had run background checks on all long term staff in 2014 and there was something on his record and because he was liked, people went to bat for him.  I doubt I would have enjoyed this and I would have been humiliated by being quickly and publicly escorted off the mountain.  That would not have been fun, now would it?  I think it's for the best perhaps that things ended out as they did with me not being desired as a returning employee.  And with my panic attacks in Dutch John, Utah, May of 2013, I no longer have any desire whatsoever to be that isolated and at the mercy of variables beyond my control as I was in Utah, where luckily I managed to squirm away and break free.  Never again!  So scary too as I had done nothing wrong and law enforcement in Dutch John was threatening me with being arrested and tasered - so glad that I did not get arrested and that I managed to get out of there.  And honestly?  After that scary encounter with law enforcement, I don't believe it would have been in my best interest to remain there anyway. That encounter ruined Flaming Gorge Resorts for me and makes me at this late date grateful that I managed to get back to the Valley and put that experience in my rear view window. 

Those panic attacks?  They were the end of my food and beverage/serving days.  I didn't exactly see this then but I can see it crystal clear right now. 

Funny how things worked out and funny how M was worth over 1 million USD upon my return to the Valley May 19th, 2013.  The timing could not have been more impeccable, that is for sure. And honestly, I really don't miss serving.  Not at all.  Some of the shitty places I've worked at and some of the sheer insanity I have had to deal with in that business.....Remember how horrible Denny's at 16th Street and Camelback was?  (Gotta say I'm shedding no tears to see them bulldozed, not at all)  Remember how horrible Red Devil Pizza was?  Remember how horrible Phoenix Airport Sheraton was?  Some of the utter insanity I have dealt with in that business!  Remember the night of August 28th, 2008 and that intense storm that had water flowing into the dining room but no direction as to how to handle it and being accused of "abandoning" my job?  I should have quit right then and there to be honest.  Though I will say I was a little glad later on to hear that Lisa Proctor had been let go from her job - I guess she was dead weight/they found a way to cut up her job and foist it onto others, thereby saving her salary.  And scattered here and there, customer complaints such as that A Hole at Chevy's who was angling for a comped meal and I got stuck with a shitty section through no fault of my own?  And how I got shitty sections at the lounge at the El Tovar after the cooks in the back screwed me over with a shift change through no fault of my own? I can't say I miss serving at all to be honest, it's just too unreliable, too unstable, too insane.  Too dependent on variables over which you have absolutely no control. 

It is amazing to me as I remember serving as a job that was screaming for help and with hardly any barriers to entry for lower level serving positions - now both Xanterra South Rim and Forever North Rim use applicant tracking systems, and with my two arrests and two misdemeanors, plus (legally due to my Arizona MMJ card) testing positive for THC, and with my HUGE employment gap - I'd have no chance in hell of getting into a job that was once relatively easy for me to get.  Things have for sure changed and if I am going to be making any income at all, I am going to need to make it myself.  In other words, self employment of some flavor.  I remember speaking to someone in regards to employment in Washington State in the Olympic Park Area - resume required, like it or not.  Plus with M getting older and more tired and more disabled and slower and having balance issues, it is probably for the best that I remain here anyway.  And I can say that for somewhere like the North Rim.....you really have to fit into their clique to come back and I don't fit into their clique, not one iota. 

Funny as I remember my last morning at the North Rim.....it was on the anniversary of my Father's death, October 17th, 2011 - this October that morning will be 8 years ago, believe it or not.  It really does not seem real but it is.  I made sure I walked to and from the old dorms to the Lodge a couple of times and I had the gut feeling/instinct that I was done and did not indeed have rehire status and that I had been lied to.  Sure enough my instinct was right and I even called and asked the HR Director if I had rehire status and was told "Not at this time" - whatever that means.  I am glad it ended this way and that I am done up there - I don't fit the clique and never will.  I remember driving off in the van that day for St. George and how Nikki was in the shuttle being a c word and how Brandy was also being a C word and how grateful I am to be done with their acquaintance and how people really disliked me even though I had done nothing really to deserve that.  All you have to do is to not fit into their clique and you are doomed as to employment and disliked.  Not a situation or environment that is going to work for me, not at all.  I can remember passing by both Melinda and Ross that morning and I was so hungover that I could not rise to the occasion with a greeting/goodbye of some sort.  I was just glad to be getting out of that place. 

One thing I do miss of my time at the North Rim, however - passing though Las Vegas at both the start and end to the Season.  I remember visiting CBS Television City at the  MGM Grand and being given enough of a freebie to get a coffee mug for free that says CSI on it (has to do with an exhibit going on there at the time) - all I had to pay was sales tax.  I still have this mug along with the transistor radio that I purchased at a yard sale in Kanab, Utah Season 2010 when I was down there with Sharon (She sure turned on me in 2011, no?)......these two items are like artifacts from a past time and past job market in my life.  I can hold them and look at them and remember.....but there's no going back to that time and those days.  I'm just glad that Vegas was cheap at the time as it is no longer cheap and almost everyone is charging resort fees now on top of the check-in rate.....and Vegas to me is nothing special nor all that great.  It's excess stimulation to an extreme and it's a town designed for extroverts - it's not a place for someone like me other than for a few museums.  Casinos and gambling are not my thing, not at all.  I did like the ceiling at Bellagio, and the garden area/display, along with the Venetian in general, walking along the simulation of the Grand Canal in Venice.  And at the Hard Rock, the simulation of a storm arriving at a desert port....that was pretty cool.  But for the city itself.....I'm not all that impressed. 

Funny though, I'm looking back and I can remember arriving in Las Vegas 8 years ago this beginning May.  Just running about town and staying in that inexpensive Super 8 on Koval Lane.  I'm glad that I was excluded from the "Wedding of the Century" (as Guy Pallila put it) between Josh and Christina Uptergrove October 2010 - I would not have wanted to go, anyhow.  I heard there was drunken arguments going on and this makes me grateful that I was excluded.  And this is one time that being excluded did not hurt me - not at all. 

It's amazing to me that it's been 10 years since my termination from Xanterra South Rim.  I can remember 10 years ago tooling around town on the light rail with my transit pass from the Radisson Airport Hotel which they kindly did not cancel upon my termination and I very wisely kept my mouth shut about it and apparently they never caught it - that was nice to tool around town for free for awhile.  That was my last full time job with benefits and likely I will never again hold such a job.  I'm too old and the business has changed too much.  It's not the same business nor the same economy that I dealt with back in my Denny's days in Tusayan 22 (can that be for real?????) years ago. 

You know something amazing is that I recently read online of a background check company specifically for hospitality positions - that even went so far as to check social media posts in an effort to weed out anyone who might be "disrespectful" - ouch - that's going way, way, way too far in my book.  I'm quite sure I'd flunk that background check on social media posts alone!  It's very different from how easy it once was to get a serving job vs. this intense background check for a serving job today - though I rather believe it's higher end places that run such a background check these days - and probably hotels, too. 

Remember Paul Lambertsen?  I'm thinking that with the passage of time I can see that perhaps things ended out for the best as we truly are two people with little in common other than sexual orientation and I am not someone who follows mainstream gay culture or who lives the lifestyle - and Paul very much is.  I ran a background check on him for 9.99 as I was curious and it turns out that he too has had is interactions with the law - two theft convictions and one indecent exposure conviction along with quite a few automobile issues - and still he is able to rent apartments and still American Airlines hired him.  Go figure!  I can't get that job - too many things stand in the way such as testing positive for THC and my employment gap and also, and here's a new one - the fact that I don't have a driver's license and a car.  Apparently more and more employers are discriminating now against those who don't have a driver's license and a car.  Crazy!  I saw an ad for Agave Restaurant in Flagstaff where Christina Cartin from my last round of El Tovar days works - and they won't hire you without a car!  That's one thing that I always appreciated about food and beverage - it used to be a place where not having a car was not an issue.  Start kissing that goodbye, apparently. 

I am glad that I got out of California Pizza Kitchen when I did - it changed after I left in March 2007 due to declining sales and people started getting fired right and left.  A cook that I remember, some utility guy in the back of the kitchen, and even Courtney the trainer got fired.  That was the longest I'd ever remained on one job in my life - 18 months, 1.5 years.  I'm glad I got out while the getting out was good.  I will say when I first got there the money was indeed very good and I wish I had saved and invested some.......anyway, the original owners sold it to some hedge fund who came in and whacked the machete and cut, cut, cut.  One horrible thing they did was to all the long termers who had been there for some time and who had gotten raises over time?  They were chopped back to minimum wage - OUCH!  I'd be furious, too - I wonder how many good people left due to this?  Like that one waiter who had been at the El Tovar for 25 years and who was written up for something stupid?  He left as it was too much of an insult for all those years of work and dedication.  I respect him for leaving, matter of fact.  Jaime was his name if I remember correctly. 

I can remember how annoying the Sheraton Airport Phoenix Hotel was - remember how Carol was report carding me to Tom Walsh right in front of me, over the phone before I was fired?  I remember how she was a "Champion" of the food and beverage department, meaning that she was paid a few more cents an hour to narc on people to management.  That was truly and utterly distasteful but I had not yet accepted that I was thoroughly and completely burnt out and should not have been in the business by that point.  I'm glad they let me go and that I got out when I did.  Today there is no way that I could handle such a situation. 

I remember how at the Radisson Phoenix Airport North Hotel when the new general manager arrived, he did not like Vince, the f and b director who hired me, nor his qualifications and fired him.  That should have been a warning to me right then and there - that my time too would be short.  And it does seems as if turnover there was very high - I can remember right before I was fired there was an appreciation event for the horrible convention crowds we endured in f and b during some gathering.  The three managers in attendance - the GM, Lisa Proctor, and Chris (don't remember his last name) - all would soon be gone themselves.  Not a sign of a company that one can feel stable about or trust or have any faith whatsoever in.  I still have their framed certificate - the only one I have ever received in my checkered work history - and how it means (and meant at the time) absolutely nothing whatsoever to me. 

I remember Ben, who bullied me for being gay, at the Embassy Suites at 24th Street and Thomas (and Jean Bulfin, who was a C Word Surpreme).....I am glad I left when I did as it was low income and high stress and lots of politics and I did not fit in there at all.  I did the math as this was back in 1998 - and I think he was around 20 at the time - he would be 40 now.  I wonder if he's still such a dick?  And why did they advertise for help in Echo if their staff had issues with gay people?  I don't get it but I don't miss that place in any way, shape, or form, and am glad to have moved on. 

I could go on and on about food and beverage for hours - I'm just glad that I'm out of it now.  How I survived it as long as I did I don't know.....but stick a fork in it, it's done and I don't see how I could go back even if I wanted to.  Applicant tracking software would prevent that from happening these days.  And I don't know if I could ever work in a National Park again.....they all background check now and I need to be in Phoenix now anyway, given Mom and her condition and her getting older.  I will say one thing - my time in food and beverage - those mostly nightmarish - has not been a total flop.   I did earn enough work credits to get a small SS check at the age of 62 if I make it that long - and I also earned enough work credit for Medicare at the age of 65 if I make it that long.  And I also made over 9K in unemployment money during the Obama Extension Years, which to me was like an apology for how horrible food and beverage was.  I ended out leaving 2K of my extensions on the table and I wish now I had taken them but I was so sick of the process by then that as soon as M came into money I cancelled my extensions by calling and saying I was going into self employment.  I am grateful now that I did as I don't have much faith in government programs for the umemployed, I really don't.  That unemployment money was like a bonus to me for all that I had endured in food and beverage over the years. 

Going to go now, am going to the Art Museum for the meditation on a piece of art.  Will be interesting to see how that goes......Rob