And Here I Am Yet Again.....

And Here I Am Yet Again.....back at the fifth floor of the Phoenix Public Library.

Today I went to Mass with Mom and as is seemingly usual, we both got a ride home from Harry and Karen, something that I really appreciate.  Mom's memory is getting worse and worse as she was going to leave her cane behind in Church and this is just so unlike her, it really is.  Scary but I guess this is part and parcel of getting old.  I DID go to the Lambda Meeting, too, but I did not see Nita there today.  (For some reason I thought that she might be there....but I DID go and it was not all that bad.  I was essentially anonymous and said nothing but was also not uncomfortable nor paranoid about being there like I was when I went there some 16 years ago.  I understand today that I am damaged and that it is best for me personally to remain single and that is just how that is, like it or not.  It is best for me to remain alone as I never learned basis relationship skills and at this late date at the age of 52 it is unlikely that I am ever have the opportunity to learn such as everyone want a finished product and I am far from being finished given my status as damaged goods with issues.  Interesting enough, this makes it much easier for me to go to a Lambda Meeting as I have been bashed around enough in life to not care what other people think of me that much - what matters to me now IS WHAT I THINK OF ME.....not what other people think.

I also managed to get the second Navy Federal Credit Union phone mystery shop completed and submitted.....hopefully, both such shops will be accepted and that means another $12 is headed my way to be deposited into my NFCU savings account.  More and more I'm seeing mystery shopping as a niche that is drying up and dying off.  It is not completely gone yet but the depth and breadth of shops I enjoyed back in 2013 and 2014 - Gone With The Wind.  So many clients are no longer being shopped as I have previously posted and there seems to be a lack of new clients stepping up to the plate to offer shops.  For all I know, this NFCU shop may be it.....and with ruckus in California regarding considering gig workers as employees and not independent contractors, this business may soon be completely restructured, and if we are to be considered employees, there will be background checks, meaning this niche will be off limits to me as so much else in society is these days.

There was a little rain yesterday but not the fierce monsoon storm I was hoping for - and I believe that what passed for a monsoon this year, pathetic as it has been, is almost over as soon the highs in the Valley will be mid 90's with lows in the mid 70's - classic September post monsoon weather.  I wish we had had a monsoon this year but it is what it is and at least Summer is beginning to ebb and go away.....not soon enough in my humble opinion but at least it's starting.

Something I find annoying is that I have been unable to recover my blog posts from the end of my Radisson days to my time after fleeing Utah in 2013 - some interesting and historic posts in here regarding my time in f and b when I still could work in that very different economy that no longer is.  It's like seeing something in a museum behind glass as it seems to different and foreign and from another place and another time compared to the brutal reality of here and now.

Creepy.....there is now a Phoenix Police Officer in the Burton Barr Library.....I guess there may have been incidents that have led to this happening but with all the homeless folks here, some of whom are mentally ill through no fault of their own - I worry that there will be a police shooting of someone down and out there that will not pass legal muster.  Something like this could happen at any time and it would mean all kinds of pr nightmare for the City of Phoenix, much like the infamous Dollar Store incident did.  Creepy, creepy, creepy.  At least I have been left alone and for this I am indeed grateful.

Something that was nice at the Lambda Meeting today - I saw guys expressing non-sexual affection to each other and that is something that is beautiful to see, it really is.  I doubt I'll ever be equal to such or that there might be any of that for me, but I will continue going to this large Sunday meeting and see what happens as a result thereof.  It seems as if I can go and be completely anonymous as I was today but start talking and participating and your anonymity will get shot to hell real quick.  It is a large meeting, too, and there was only one person I there that I remember from years ago - and old woman who I remember was a customer of mine at Coco's years ago.  I'm so glad my time at Coco's is done - ugggggghhhhh,,,,,how did I survive that insane place for so long?  I can remember after the trifecta (Coco's, Chevy's, Macayo's), how after I finished my time my first round at the El Tovar Lounge....how going to Nogales, and staying in Tucson seemed like such a huge deal to me - all those years even something as simple and as basic as going to Tucson seemed out of reach and off limits to me.  Seriously, it seems hard to believe now but I can remember being absolutely thrilled in regards to going to Nogales.  Now I'm a bit wary of Nogales and am staying away.....it's not the same place it was even back in 2004.

I'm at the library up on the fifth floor as I have already stated.  I am looking at a bookshelf and there is a book with an attention grabbing title - at least for myself and for people like me, and I hardly believe that I am alone these days - the title of the book is (drumroll please) Unemployable.  Boy howdy can I EVER relate to that book title these days!  It's amazing to me as I clung to food and beverage for so so so long as one thing I will say about f and b of the old days - back when it was $2.13/hr to have me wait tables - it was a job that I could do and my past and my personality would not be held against me back in the day.  This is why I stuck with it for so long, that and the fact that I already knew office work was not for me and I also knew retail was also not for me.  Interestingly enough, I would not be able to get a retail job nor an office job today due to background checks.....No worries about me ever getting a job in retail nor for any branch of government, not going to happen courtesy of the Internet and background checks.

Funny too as at the meeting today, the speaker who was celebrating 11 years was talking about how "most of us have good jobs" - huh?  I can't get a job for so many reasons and he's saying that most of us have good jobs?  What planet is this man beaming transmissions from?  I have no idea of any job that I could actually get at this point, especially with my employment gap and with everyone wanting experience in jobs, even for minimum wage jobs.  And certainly at my age and with waiting tables paying $8 an hour plus tips in Arizona now, no local eatery is going to hire me.  And forget working at a hotel these days - they seem to be fortresses these days that are not at all easy to get into as they once were.....though I will say that I remember applying once at the Ritz Carlton during the boom years and got screened out.  Other than that, I did find hotels fairly easy to get hired at back in the day.  I can even remember when I was applying for Sage/Phoenix Airport Sheraton, the background check back in 2007 only went back 7 years!  And I can remember when I applied with Scottsdale Healthcare back in 2005, the background check only went back 5 years!  Not anymore.....it's like lifetime background checks these days, and more and more employers use continual background checks these days.  I really can't see myself working for someone else in the United States ever again due to this. 

So much of my life really does seem to have been a perfect storm.....and after all these years, instead of looking for a loophole, I find myself distancing myself from society.  It really is a meat grinder, it really is, and I, like many others, am better off just not playing the game to begin with.  I really believe the less I have to do with society in general, the calmer and more content with my life I can be.  I can also say that personally I find urban life very annoying and always have - maybe spending the first ten years of my life in a small town jinxed me, but I do find urban life very stressful and meaningless and annoying.  And something else?  Larry's former house across the street selling for 320K?  That's simply unsustainable.  And Frank and Wendy's old house being listed at $259,000?  Also unsustainable.  I wonder when prices are going to plunge and what the catalyst for this will be? 

Something that I noted at the Lambda meeting today?  The speaker thanked folks on the Left for doing what they have done so that gay men and women could be who they are.  This is true.....it is the Left that has pushed this through and agitated for this to happen.  The Right does not care about such things and I sure hope we don't get stuck with another 4 years of Donald Trump.  Oh God please not another four years of the Orange Thug.  At least he's got a bit of a rep now and seemingly a little less support than he had going in the first time around.  Though I no longer believe polls - polls showed a Hillary Clinton win last time around and we know how that worked out, now don't we? 

Tomorrow I have Mass in the morning and then I count money and then I have the ultrasound appointment at noon.  It will be interesting to see what is determined via the ultrasound and the upcoming radiology appointment.  I wonder if I will indeed have urinary blockage surgery and what that surgery might look like - if I have to check into the hospital or not.  I'm hoping the recovery time involved will not be a nightmare similar to my gall bladder surgery.....now that sucked, it truly did suck. 

Well, what is interesting is that a week from this coming Tuesday?  A week from this coming Tuesday
Mom and I will be heading to Yuma on the shuttle to go to Algodones to have glasses made.  It will be interesting to see if we are hassled or not by US CBP.  At this point I would not be surprised - what a scary agency and nothing at all is being done to check their power.  And US citizens are now being harassed, too.  I really don't recognize or understand this United States and I certainly don't fit into it.  Though I never really have fit into this society very well, truth be told.  At least I have nothing to worry about until such a time as I actually cross the border - I doubt I'm going to have issues entering Mexico as both times I've entered Los Algodones this year so far I have hardly faced any real scrutiny.  Last time I entered Los Algodones, my passport was not even checked.  Compare and contrast this with the paranoia of dealing with the US side of the border.  I just don't get it, I really don't. 

Well, anyway, I guess I am going to call it a day and get my act together to get on home and make a salad and stay with Mom while she uses the massager I bought at Maggie's Place for her.  Rob